Mental Vacation Needed-(Rant Warning)

STRESS.  Not a fan.  What can I say?  It is never ending.  Some is eustress--you know, the crap they teach you in health class about how some stress is good and keeps you motivated. Most is just capital S stress.  The kind that leaves you wandering around the house aimlessly, hopping in the minivan and leaving to "return a video" (it was three weeks late and not even good.  Thanks for nothing Time Traveler's Wife) only to get into the van and burst into sobs.  I. HATE. STRESS. 

This post has been over a week delayed.  Cameran's party was the 20th.  Her birthday, coincidentally World Down syndrome Awareness Day, the 21st, the 22nd her 12 month check up=shots which make me nervous, the 23rd her Interventionist appointment, and the rest of the week a blur.  No, there are no party pictures yet.  Yes I have them thanks to Emily, who graciously took them, but no to actually uploading them.

This post is supposed to be uplifting and happy and in rememberance of Cami's first year.  But I am a dweller.  And ever since it has been suggested that Cameran's "head butts" aka "hiccups" might actually be seizures by her PT I have been a mess.  At least when she went to her check up and didn't even have one Dr. W still said it was curious and set up a consult with a neurologist for this coming Tuesday.  And I know that "What will be will be" and that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and "Stop worrying, she'll be fine"---but seriously?  Unless you have spent the last year in this mama's shoes, then no advice necessary, I will do my best to keep an open mind for those who solicit advice but don't have a child with special needs.

 It's hard enough having accepted that Cameran will be working twice as hard to do things that are natural to most of us, but she does NOT deserve to have more crap piled on top.  Delays I can handle.  Delays I have accepted.  Does it suck having to spoonfeed your kid her "Smash Cake" when she should be digging in and putting her hands to her own mouth?  Yep.  Does it sometimes cause heart pangs of jealousy when I see the other kids in her room at daycare crawling and even walking at less than 12 months. Yep.  But I am good with that.  I accept that.  I do not accept her PT telling me she needs checked out because she is a pseudo-neurologist.  Not when this mama already has enough to deal with. 

Then there are my students.  Now don't get me wrong; I love like teaching.  Once upon a day I lived and breathed Scholastic catologues, pouring over them in search of the perfect books for my future classroom.  Now I spend my days doing my best to get them to proficiency which translates to=I do my job while trying not to resent about 3/4 of them for having God-given intelligence and not using it.  Maybe they aren't up for trying their best, but hey, who cares?! There's always tomorrow. I find myself so often wanting to shout at them and tell them that Cameran is going to have to bust her tail to do her best while they can do it almost effortlessly but choose not to.  It sucks and it hurts.  I know I can't personalize and internalize, but it sucks.

There.  I ranted.  Writing is supposed to be therapy, correct?  I came. I wrote. I conquered.  Next time I will come back with happy tales of Hawaii, luaus, and leis. (Pictures too!)  And if all goes well, good news from the neurologist!

Picture trauma

Getting close

We are tick-tocking closer and closer to Cameran's first birthday (party)!  Oh how a year flies by.  I'm not gonna lie-I could easily get carried away being all sentimental and reflective about the past year and its trials and tribulation, but mostly the pure joy of motherhood and my little Peanut--but I am not.  Maybe another entry.  Maybe I will go wild and crazy on Cami's actual birthday, March 21, which is also coincidentally amazingly World Down Syndrome Awareness Day.  What an awesome way to celebrate a little T21 awareness! 

So anyway...

Basically, I am writing this entry to A. fill up time since Daylight Savings Time has us out of whack, and B. to procrastinate what I should be doing, which is preparing the rest of my lesson plans, but mainly C. to celebrate how much I love planning for and shopping for Cameran's birthday party!!!!!!!!!!!

It has kicked so much monetary butt, but so worth it.  And, if I play my procrastinating cards right, I may still have time to create a digital memory book for Cameran so she can look back at her first birthday party and see how wild and crazy her mama went!  Did I make the Hawaiian beaded bracelets and necklaces I was supposed to make? No.  Did I order her cake? No.  But...with Ryan's help (he is not innocent for those who know him) we spent well over a few (did I write that) hundred dollars to make this first birthday a freaking blast!  Hallmark?  Check.  Bon-Ton? Check.  Toys R Us? Check.  AND...when I got home I ordered most of the not so necessary trinkets and decorations from Oriental Trading Post magazine to make this the best luau in March ever! 

Here's the remaining to do list in no particular order:

Order cake
Order fruit tray
Get balloons
Get Cameran's pictures taken (not necessary but hey)
Finish Shutterfly memory book
Find pictures to go in the 12 month frame to display at party
Go to Party City and get plates, napkins, and tableclothes
Download Hawaiian I-tunes for I-pod party playlist (Suggestions?  Thinking Lilo and Stitch)
Get drinks and snacks
Decorate location (Friday)
Pray stuff ordered today comes by the 18th as guaranteed. (They can't lie--it's a guarantee, right?)
Make those damn darn bracelets/necklaces.

Phew.  Now if only we didn't have EI on Monday, PT on Tuesday, Ryan's class/BLAST on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I'd be great.  I see a whole lotta Thursday and Friday cramming in my future.

Sweet dreams.  I am off to highlight packets for 7th graders. Yawn.

Almost party time!

I can't believe how quickly a year has flown by.  In just ten more days my baby girl is going to be one!  Craziness.  I thought planning a party would be stressful, but as it turns out, it has not been that bad. Sure there was a moment when I thought the location I had secured well in advance wasn't going to work out, but other than that it seems to be smooth sailing. 

That said, I still haven't actually purchased anything yet.  Nothing. Nada.  I should probably be a little worried considering we are already at 53 guests and climbing!  Wait-that isn't actually true.  I got little party favors from Pier 1.  You heard right. Pier 1. For a one year old party.  What the heck am I thinking??? They are cute! And they match the whole orange and pink luau theme...

In addition, I am (eventually) making Hawaiian bracelets with each kiddie guest's name.  My guess is that this will happen sometime around next Friday!  Being that I still have an knack for procrastination I see no need to stop now!  Same for decorations.  I know in my mind what I want; it's just a matter of driving to the store to get them...In the meantime, here are some of the ideas...

Triangles

I decided that I dislike posting blog entries without pictures.  Isn't half the point of a blog to be able to use technology to enhance one's thoughts and feelings? If the point was just writing then why in the world haven't I kept a traditional journal or written in Cameran's baby books...

So this entry is minimal in aesthetics, but plans to be rich in content.  In fact, I have spatterings of thoughts pouring into my mind right this moment and I am afraid that before I finish typing this sentence I will forget all I want to include.  So here is my own personal dramatic pause while I find a post-it note to jot down all the things I want to include....

First off. My entire week was made yesterday when I discovered that Jodi Picoult's new book was released this past Tuesday.  It is about a single mom and her two sons, one of which as Asperger's syndrome and is eventually accused of murder.  I am only 15 pages into it, but I am pumped to see how she portrays a child with special needs as a main character!  Now I just need to work on my time management skills so I can have some me time to actually read this book. 

Ahh, time management.  Never have I been good at managing time.  Wasting time. Check.  Procrastinating. Check.  Killing time. Check. But actually using time to the fullest extent to maximize output? Not so much.  Getting better? I'd like to say so thanks to Cameran, but my house is still cluttered, my walk-in closet is not so much able to be walked in, laundry is piled.  I haven't even hung the purple wooden letters that spell Cameran's name on her nursery wall yet! I'd say I have some issues with time management.

Then there is this whole triangle balancing shindig.  My principal uses this analogy about keeping the 3 sides of your life triangle balanced.  Mine is far far far from an equilateral.  My triangle isn't even isosceles.  It is scalene all the way.  I procrastinate in housework.  I bring far too much school work (and by this I mean papers to grade, not even counting lessons to plan) home, and feel guilty that I see my daughter for only 3-4 waking hours a day.  Guilt sucks.  It's getting better, but I still need to start playing the lottery so I can win big and stay home (to procrastinate of course!  House wouldn't be any cleaner but I'd be playing with my babe!).  But you have to play to win and therein lies my problem.

Time to go snuggle a baby and see the hubby.