I am not gonna lie. Some days I do not feel grateful. I do not always feel grateful that I have a warm house and two cars; why isn't the house bigger and the cars better? I am certainly not always grateful to have a job teaching rambunctious 7th graders. I am not always grateful for my husband helping put Peanut to bed without asking him for help.
Most recently I haven't felt grateful towards the hand that motherhood has dealt me. With that admittance comes guilt. Lots of it. Thankfully that feeling was fleeting and moreso due to the overwhelming feeling of learning Cameran has been having seizures probably since she was about 4-5 months old.
Then I step back and try to remember that the reality is that my life is abundantly full of love and family and friends. The challenges I face are my challenges and no matter what, I am blessed. Despite the seemingly endless obstacles that Cameran has been facing, I am realizing that they are not without purpose.
What I know for sure is this. Life is fragile. Life is beautiful. Life is what you make of it.
Cameran is a blessing and I AM grateful to be her mommy. Even in my darkest hour filled with self-pity and overwhelming amounts of anxiety I know that she is mine. She is half of me. Her extra chromosome is part of her, not all of her. She IS worth the extra time and attention devoted to medical issues and interventions.
For the most part she is healthy.
I thank God that she doesn't have major heart problems and does not need open-heart surgery.
I thank God that her eyesight seems to be improving.
I thank the Lord that she is able to hear now thanks to her tubes. She has made such remarkable gains in just three short weeks.
At some point I am sure I will be thanking God for pulling her through these seizures.
At some point I will let go of the feeling of disgust I have for the handful of medical professionals that backhandedly critcize our choice not to have amniocentesis, as if it avoiding that test made it our "fault" Cami has Ds.
I will come out stronger. No matter what future EEGS or MRIs show, I will be fine. Cameran will be fine.
She is going to help show the world that our idea of perfection isn't always in a bigger house or better car, but in simple things such as unconditional love, acceptance, and happiness.
The best vacation might not be to Italy. Sometimes Holland can rock just as much.
And for anyone looking for a pick-me-up kinda blog, this chic has been taking the world by storm with her view of life's "small things": Enjoying the Small Things Check her out. You can't help but leave the site with a smile.